The Creepily Random Life of Eragon
by pocoloca
Summary: The title is pretty selfexplanitory. Saphir has a random disease and Eragon has to cure it. WARNING: if you don't have a sense of humor, dont read this!
1. The Beginning

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything that sounds familiar**

As Eragon walked down a brightly lit hallway, he realised three things at once. One, he was not wearing anything but _Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus_ underpants, Two, that everyone, even Arya,could see him, and Three, that he hated spinach.

Just another day in the creepily random life of Eragon.

Saphira was on sick leave because she had eaten a rotten pineapple. She said she had a highly contagious disease, but Eragon couldn't shake the feeling that something was up when he heard oud humming coming from her tent. He tried contaccting her with his mind.

_Saphira, do you know what?_

_What?_

_I was just walking down a brightly lit hallway with nothing but _Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus_ underpants, Arya could see me, and I hate spinach._

_And, your point is...?_

_I dont know! Ask the quack who's writing this story!_

A bolt of lightning suddenly struck Eragon, leaving him burned, but otherwise OK.

" Sorry." Eragon called to the Author.

_Saphira?_

_Yes?_

_I think I love Arya._

Suddenly, without warning, Saphira broke into song through their mental link.

_Skinamarinky Dinky Dink,_

_Skinamarinky Doo,_

_I Love Yooooooooooou._

_Skinamarinky Dinky Dink,_

_Skinamarinky Doo,_

_I Love Yoou._

_I Love You In The Morning,_

_And In The Afternoon._

_I Love You In The Evening,_

_And Underneath The Moon._

_Skinamarinky Dinky Dink,_

_Skinamarinky Doooooooooo,_

_IIIIIIIIIII Looooooooooove YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!_

If Saphir hadn't have been in a quarentine tent, Eragon would have stared at her, dumbstruck. Intead, he had to make do with asking her what was up.

_What is wrong with you?_

_I-I don't know where that came from!_

_I'd better get Gertrude and Angela._

_Yeah, you'd better._

And so, Eragon ran. He ran as fast as he could, until he tripped ofer an eggplant. Then he realised he was still wearing his _Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus_ underpants and decided to use his magical skillz to make clothes. So he tried, and ended up wearing a dress to resemble the one that Belle wore in _Beauty and the Beast._

**IN URU' BAEN:**

One day, Murtagh decided it would be a good idea to scry his little brother Eragon. He quickly found a toilet, because Galbatorix had been giving him a Swirly ( he still hadn't been forgiven for letting Eragon go at the Burning Plains) at the time. Once Galby had left, Murtagh looked onto the toilet and said _dramur kopa._ Dream Stare. He saw Eragon wearing a dress that resembled the one Belle had worn in _Beauty and the Beast._

Seeing this strange sight, he released the spell on the toilet, and mentally contacted his brother.

**BACK TO ERAGON:**

Eragon suddenly felt someone trying to get into his head. He thought the voices were back, and tries to empty his mind, like his therapist had told him. It turned out it wasn't the voices, but Murtagh.

_Hey, li'l bro. _

_What do you want Murtagh?_

_Wow. Toooouchyy! I just wanted to let you know, you should keep the dress. It looks very sexy on you._

_What dress? MURTAGH? WHAT DRESS?_

But he was already gone.

Eragon pulled a mirror out of his backpack, and noticed that he really was wearing a dress. He thought that it looked bad without a necklace, so he conjured up one of those too. Then he remembered why he was going to see Gertrude and Angela.

Walking into the tent, Eragon realised that Gertrude was having a spongebath, and Angela was having a bikini wax. Scarred for life, Eragon ran out of the tent, making sure that they were finished before going back inside.

That's all for now... but ILL BE BACK!


	2. Saphira's Diagnosis

A special thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter. You guys rock!

**Disclaimer: I own only the stuff I make up. I dont own Monty Python or Inheritance or anything. The stuff you've heard before, I don't own ( but if I did, I'd be rich)**

Yeah I know that's a ramdom disclaimer, but random is what this fic is all about!

On with the story!

Eragon enetered the tent to an extremely akward silence. Eragon had just walked in on Angela and Gertrude doing extremely embarrasing things.

"So..." said Angela

"So..." said Gertrude.

"So..." said Eragon, "Umm, there's something seriously wrong with Saphira and I was wondering if you guys coul tell me what it is?"

" What are the symptoms of her illness?"

Eragon took a deep breath. " Well, she told me she had a seriously contagious illness, so I couldn't see her, but I heard humming from the tent where she was, and when I contacted her with my mind, she started singing."

Angela and Gertrude looked at each other in horror." Could it be?"

Angela ran for a bookshelf and pulled down a book called " The Big Book of Surdian Illnesses"

With a theatrical gasp, Angela looked at Gertrude and nodded.

" Saphira has... R.S.S.!"

Suddenly, wierd music came from the sky.

_dun Dun DUNNNN!_

Everyone looked up. The Author was sugar high. Again.

" Anyways... What the is RSS?"

" Random Song Syndrome. It is a very rare illness... but one can only get it by eating pineapples. Has Saphira had any pineapples lately?"

"Yes."

"How did you get it?"

" I found it."

" But pineapples are a tropical fruit! How did you find one in Surda?"

" The swallow may fly South in the winter, yet these are not strangers to our land."

" Are you suggesting pineapples migrate?"

" NO! Supposing it was carried."

"By a swallow? Listen : the air speed velocity of a swallow..."

Eragon was beginning to think that the Author was watching a little too much Monty Python.

"How do I cure the disease?"

" Well... we're not really doctors..."

Suddenly, Eragon broke into song.

" Doctor Jones, Doctor Jones,

Calling Dr. Jones.

Dr. Jones, Dr. Jones..."

Angela and Gertrude exchanged orrified glances

"Eragon... it seems you have it too!"

The room started to go hazy. The Author was getting tired.

Well, I know that was short and not too random, but it's 7:00 a.m and I need to get ready for school. Sorry everyone. I/ll make the next chapter funnier and longer. Review... but dont be too harsh!


	3. Eragon Goes to Jail Again

Sorry about the 2nd chapter, everybody! I was really tired when I wrote it! But, let's put Chapter 2 behind us, and get on with the story!

**Disclaimer: Yeah... I don't own Inheritance or any of the songs I use in this chapter!**

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" Eragon... you have it, too!" Said Gertrude and Angela. ( who I am now going to start calling Gerty and Angie, because I get tired of typing easily.)

Eragon was shocked. He had just heard that he had RSS or Random Song Syndrome. The disease caused you to break in to song randomly, hence the name. He stood there in his dress, one that resembled Belle's in _Beauty and the Beast_, and stared at the two women before him, lost for words.

" H-How? How did I get it?" asked he. ( he asked? whatever!)

" I guess you can even get it by sharing a mental link." explained Gerty.

" Well, whats the cure.?" Eragon asked desperately.

" The Cure is Bananas!

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" Angie started singing

" THE CURE IS BANANAS

B-A-N-A-N-A-S" finished Gerty

" Again! The cure is bananas,

B-A-N-A-N-A-S"

" THE CURE IS BANANAS

B-A-N-A-N-A-S!"

Horrified, Gery and Angie exchanged shocked looks.

" The only creatures who have access to bananas are... The Ra'Zac!"

Once again the music came from above.

_dunDunDUNNNNNNNNN!_

" Well, this way I can kill two Ra'Zac with one stone. I can get some bananas, B-A-N-" Eragon stopped himself from singing. " and I can rescue Katrina for Roran. The poor guy just sits around in bars these days, getting drunk, throwing up, asking Saphria if she wants to make out..." an akward silence followed this remark "Anyways, I'll just be on myway"

. Eragon broke out of the tent in a slo-mo run, but when everyone started staring at him, he realised that this did not look cool, and stopped. He knew very well where his cousin would be.

A few minutes later,Eragon found himself in font of a bar called. **The Surdian Bar** it was called that because the Author was too tired to think of anything else. Soon after he entered the bar, he found his cousin sitting in a stool talking to the barmaid.

" Wwwannna make out?" asked Roran, his words slurred since he had been drinking so much beer.

This was strange and a little bit frightening for two reasons. One reason was that the barmaid was a male dwarf with a long red beard. The second was that the barmaid seemed to be seriously considering accepting Roran's invitation.

Before Roran did anything serious, Eragon rushed over, paid for his cousin's beer,and ran out of the bar. Then he realized that he had forgotten Roran and went back to get him. Soon after they had left the bar, a police man came up to them and asked for a breath test. Eragon came up clean, but Roran's breath smelled of lots and lots of beer.

" Are you eighteen or over?" asked the policeman.

" Umm, yeah" said Eragon.

" Weell then, lets just see your ID, then."

"H-he must have left them at home?" Eragon suggested hopefully.

_**CLANG!**_

The haevy metal gate to Eragon's cell closed, leaving him alone with his cousin and a stranger sleeping in the corner. He was hidden by the shadows so Eragon couldn't see him. Roran had passed out o the floor seconds ago. Eragon knew that, if they were going to escape, he had to somehow detoxify Roran. He quickly composed a spell that would cure the intoxicated form of his cousin lying on the cround.

As Eragon said the words, Roran stood up and looked around. As everyone knows, alcohol does not just leave someone's body. It needs a passageway out. Soon, Roran was vomiting all over himself, Eragon, and the strange guy in the corner.

The sleeping dude sat up, yelling words that, if the Author had writen them, would have to be edited out. As he shouted rude things he sat up and Eragon could finally see that it was his brother, Murtagh.

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Yeah, I know, that was short too. But it'll get better, I PROMISE!


	4. Little Einstiens to the Rescue!

okay... i got a lot of reviews for the last chpater so i'd better get strated on #4. I lust wanted to apologize.The last two chapters haven't been very random, but it's REALLY hard to mantain a plot while remaining random.I hope you understand.Now... ON WITH THE FOURTH CHAPTER!

"_Murtagh?" _said Eragon.

_"Eragon?" _said Murtagh.

The brothers faced each other, dipslaying their nastiest death glares.

"What are you doing here?" they both asked

"I asked you first." said Murtagh.

" NO you didn't!"

"Yes I did"

"Nu-uhh"

"Ya-haw!"

" Umm... excuse me... but why are you fighting" asked Roran, who appeared to have sobered up.

They didn't hear him.

" Coluld you be quiet?"

They went on shouting.

"QUIET YOU NINKS!"

The brothers paused to look at their cousin.

" What did you say?" asked Murtagh.

"Ninks."

" What does it mean?" aske Eragon.

" It's a cross between a neanderthal and a dink. Wich both of you happen to be... I guess it's hereditary. I'd hate to have met Uncle Morzan. he was probably the biggest nink ever."

" You got that right, dude." said Murtagh, "Always chucking swords around."

They verbally abused Morzan for about half an hour, until they realised that they were now on opposite sides. Then they started glaring at each other again.

" Hey, " said Roran, who had been trying to think of a way to escape and save Katrina." Isn't this supposed to be random? This is _The Creepily random Life of Eragon_, right. There should be some randomness here!There hasn't been much in like three chapters. I mean-"

Four children had appeared just outside their cell. Murtagh and Eragon stared and stared. Roran spoke first.

" Who are you?"

" We're Disney's Little Einstiens!" they said.

There was a blonde girl, a redheaded boy, a brown haired boy, and a black haired girl.

"Today", said the black haired girl," We are celebrating music by Beethoven. Can you say Beethoven?" She paused. " Good."

"Hey, June!" said the redhead to the black haired girl.

"What Leo?" June replied.

"There are people trapped in that jail cell!" said the blonde girl said.

" You're right, Annie!" said the brown haired boy

" Aren't I always, Quincy?" Annie said.

June turned to a camera that was following her around.

" Do you think we should help those people?" she paused "great!"

In the jail cell, Eragon whispered to Roran " I love it how she thinks everyone's agreeing to her"

Suddenly, June turned on the three boys in the cell.

"Okay, I've got five minutes for commercial to tell you guys what's going on. The Author of this fanfic has been watching a lot of TV this weekend, and she spotted our show while she was channel surfing. Then she thought it would be a great idea to put us in this completely random fanfic."

Murtagh, Roran, and Eragon exchanged glances.

" Alright," said Murtagh, "How exactly do you plan to get us out of here?you don't even have power tools or anything!"

" It's okay!" said Annie," We can use our IMAGINATION!"

" Uh oh... we're DOOMED!" said the boys!

_**DUN DUNN DUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!**_


	5. The Lumberjack Song

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that sounds familiar!**

* * *

"Allllright, everybody at home... let's IMAGINE that these boys are out of their cell!" said June.

Nothing happened.

"Greeeeat." said Murtagh "We're trapped in a cell with four four-year-olds who think they can _imagine_ us out of a jail cell. We. Are. Doomed."

Even the Little Einstiens were puzzled.

"That usually works" said Annie.

"Yeah. It does." said Leo.

"At least, it works on TV" said June.

"Ahh..." said Quincy"That's the problem. We're not on TV. We're in a fanfiction. A fanfiction written for people who wouldn't be caught DEAD watching our show, because they're too old for it. We need more-"

_"Quincy, SHUT UP!"_ boomed a voice. An abnormally tall teenaged girl strode into the dungeon. She turned to the brothers plus cousin trapped inside the cell. "_Okay, here's the deal guys-"_

"Hey!" shouted Roran. "Why are you speaking in itallics? No one speaks in italics unless they are a dragon or talking inside thier heads or-"

"_Please be quiet, or I will be forced to burn you to a crisp with my awesome powers"_

"Who sent you?" asked Eragon, using his melodramatic 'brave hero voice'. "Did Galbatorix send you? What do you want with us?"

_"Oh, cut the drama, hero boy. I'm not working for icky ol' Glaby. I am the Authoress."_

_**DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!**_

"Why do you always do that?" asked Murtagh.

_"Because I feel like it. Anyhoo, I know how to get you guys out of your cell."_

"And why didn't you do that before?" Roran asked.

"Yeah, we've been sitting her for weeks!" said Murtagh.

"With these ANNOYING LITTLE KIDS!" added Eragon.

"Hey!" siad the Little Einsteins "We resent that."

_"I've had a wicked case of writer's block for the longest time! My muses went on strike, then one of them came back, and that was the sensible/angsty one that makes me write sad fics and is usually tied up and locked in a closet somewhere... so I ended up writing an angsty Bartimaeus fic where Kitty-"_ (A/N: sry if u don't know who the heck Kitty or Bartimaeus are. But whatever.)

"Can you get to the point,please?"

"_Okay, okay, okay. Keep your shirt on. Anyhoo, my random muse just came back from Mexico, so I'm here now. But I'll get to the point. This fic is supposed to have much randomness and many songs. But there hasn't been much randomness OR songs for, like, ever. So, here's my deal. If one of you boys will sing a random song, I'll send some help along. Bye!"_

_POOF! _With that, the Authoress was gone in a puff of sparkley smoke. They brothers plus cousin looked at each other.

"Fine" said Roran, "I'll do it."

He stood up. "You know, guys...I never wanted to be a farmer, or even a crazy hammer warrior. No. I wanted to be...**_ A LUMBERJACK!_**"

_Leaping from tree to tree_

_as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia._

_The (insert many tree names here)_

_The smell of fresh cut timber!_

_The crash of mighty trees!_

_With my best girl by my side_

A hologram of Katrina appeared beside Roran. Eragon and Murtagh were suddenly dressed as mounties.

_We'd sing... sing... sing..._

_I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK  
I sleep all night and I work all day. _

Chorus:  
He's a lumberjack and he's OK  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Roran:  
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch  
I go to the lavatory.  
On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea

Eragon and Murtagh:  
He cut down trees, he eat his lunch  
He goes to the lavatory.  
On Wednesdays he go shopping and has buttered scones for tea.

Chorus:  
He's a lumberjack and he's OK  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Roran:  
I cut down trees, I skip and jump  
I like to press wild flowers.  
I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.

E and M:  
He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps  
He likes to press wild flowers.  
He puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars!

Chorus:  
He's a lumberjack and he's OK  
He sleeps all night and he works all day.

Roran:  
I cut down trees, I wear high heels  
Suspenders and a bra.  
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!

E and M  
He cuts down trees, he wears high heels!  
Suspenders...and a bra!...

Just Roran:  
I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear Papa!

_E and M:_

_He's a lumberjack and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!_

_Katrina:_

_(Crying) Oh, I thought you were so RUGGED! (runs off)_

_Roran:_

_I sleep all night and I work all day!_

The Authoress had been true to her word. As Roran finished, Eragon and Murtagh's mountie costumed disappeared, leaving them with their old clothes (don't get too excited, fangirls). Then, they heard a voice shouting_ "Bombardula!"_

_BOOM!_ The door blew open and in stepped...

* * *

Nah nah, boo boo! I made a cliffie! Review! 


	6. Of Death Eaters and Portals

**Disclaimer: I still don't own anything that sounds familiar.**

**A/N: I am SOOOO SORRY that i havent posted in like a year or something. I am sooo evil but my head was invaded by evil, inspiration-killing Homework Faries! (DON'T ASK) anyhoo, im free of that for another month and i promis ill try to post as much as i possibly can! ON WITH THE STORY!**

A voice shouted "BOMBARDULA" and the wall exploded, and in stepped...

Three kids in black robes. The only girl in the group had really bushy brown hair that looked like it was in dire need of some conditioner. She was holding a stick in her hand, and it looked like she had just broke down the wall. To her left was a really tall guy with bright red hair, and to her right was another guy with black hair, bright green eyes, and a lightning shaped scar on his forehead.

Gee, I wonder who these pople could be?

Upon spotting the Little Einsteins, the black haired boy shouted "DEATH EATERS!" and they all drew their wands. The Little Einsteins drew theirs. What followed was an epic battle between good and evil, but the boys in the cell didn't notice because they were trying to guess how much hair product the girl would have to use to tame her bushy hair.

Finally, the battle was over and the Little Einsteind lay dead, their obnoxious grins still on their faces.

"Finally" said the black haired boy "The last and most dangerous of the Death Eaters are finished. The magical world is free again!"

The bushy haired girl grabbed the red headed fellow and they started furiously making out aginst Eragon, Murtagh, and Roran's cell. The black haired boy didn't seem fazed by this, owing to the fact that they did this every time they killed a Death Eater.

"Umm... excuse me?" said Roran politely "But who are you?"

"Why...I'm HARRY POTTER!" he said, pointing to the scar on his forehead. "I defeted the Dark Lord Voldemort. Like five times. I saved the Magic and Muggle worlds? Ring any bells?"

"...What's a Muggle?..." asked Murtagh, who was looking gorgeously puzzled.

"A non magic person. Who are you?"

"Well, I'm Eragon." Eragon said "And this is my cousin Roran, and this is my...brother...Murtagh."

"Word" said Murtagh.

"Oh. Cool" said Harry "Allow me to introduce my friends, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger."

"You have last names?" said Eragon in an awed voice "Proper ones?"

"Well...yeah..." said Ron, who had just resurfaced "Don't you?"

"Well...I'm known as Eragon Shadeslayer...cuz I slayed a shade."

"I'm Roran Stronghammer...cuz I'm strong and my preferred battle weapon is a hammer."

"And I'm Murtagh Sexybeast. For obvious reasons."

"I didn't know you had a last name!" said Eragon. "I thought CP only gave me and Roran last names."

"Obviously" said Murtagh. "But I was presented with this last name because all the fangirls love me and think I'm outrageously sexy."

"Oh..."

"Hey!" said Roran to Hermione "You broke down that wall...do you think you could get us out of here?"

"Sure..." said Hermione "I did this exact thing in our third year to help out Harry's godfather Sirius..."

She paused, not realizing what she had done. When she turned to Harry, she noticed that dark circles of eyeliner had appeared on his face, his hair had grown into the Emo Haricut, and he had found a knife and was writing the word SIRIUS on his arm. And he was weeping.

"Oh dear..." she said "I shoudn't have mentioned that name. There are a bunch of words that have that effect on Harry. I'll tell them to you so you don't have to see him like this again."

She leaned in and whispered them to the confused boys " James, Lily, Cedric, Sirius, Albus, Hedwig, Mad-Eye, Dobby, Fred, Remus, Tonks, Colin, or Severus. Those are the names that turn him emo."

She stepped bck and took out her wand. and said "Alohomora" The locked clicked open.

"What language is that?" Roran asked "Hawaiian?"

"No. It isn't any language. It's a spell."

"Oh. Cool..."

_"Is this really going anywhere?"_ asked a booming voice. It as the Author again.

"No" answered Murtagh "We've been here for months. You haven't updated in ages, so OF COURSE IT ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE!"

_"Geez, I said I was sorry. Anyways, do you guys want to go to the Ra' zac?_"

"DUH!" said Eragon, Roran and Murtagh. Murtagh didn't know why he wanted to go, but it sounded like fun.

"_Alright then. But before you go, you must prove yourselves worthy. You must travel through a whole bunch of dimensions and get stuff. Shiny stuff. Ra' zac like shiny stuff. They will give you some bananas, AND your finacee, Roran, if you trade them for Shiny Stuff. Here is your portal. Happy Hunting!"_

She vanished into thin airleaving a little cell phone behind her. When Eragon pushed the CALL button, a big pink sparkly portal appeared. They all stepped through it, even Harry, Ron, and Hermione. They stepped out in a very diffremt place...

**I know, not particularly long...OR good, but itll get better i promise. for now, R&R but don' be to harsh. This is the first fac ive written in months!**


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